Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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