i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
