Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
