she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
