i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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