your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
