I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
