I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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