Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
