I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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