The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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