Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize