After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
