): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
