When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
