im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
