I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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