He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize