My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize