I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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