Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
