I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
