In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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