i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize