Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
