I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
