I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
