..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize