my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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