he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
