i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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