My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
