I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
