I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
