Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
