you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
