He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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