alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The power of my boobs compel you
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
