the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
