Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
