My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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