What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize