Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
