i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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