maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
