haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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