hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
