Got a toothbrush?
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
