I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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