I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Randomize
