That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
