Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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