the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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