I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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