We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
