We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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