Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
