i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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