dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
