Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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