ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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